Relapse and Overdose

I returned home after yet another brief stint in the local county jail, i had to serve 48 days as the second half of a 90 day sentence. i had served 42 days prior to posting bond, and later signed a plea deal agreeing to serve a 6 month sentence.( with the day for day credit, it calculated to 90 actual days). on the day i turned myself in, i ate a bunch of green xanax bars, drank a bunch of whiskey, and shot about 1/2 a gram of “raw”. i vaguely remember turning myself in, being booked in, or getting my DNA swab done. i just sort of came to in general population, sweating, sick, and about 150 lbs. i had been at roughly a gram and a half day habit, and was on deaths door step. during the 48 days that i was there, i started to become well. and i walked out of the county feeling much better, but that thirst was still there. ” ill just drink”. so i did, i hooked up with a friend of mine, at his parents house, and he, his girlfriend, and i drank a fifth of whiskey while playing WII Bowling. as soon as my buzz settled in, i was ready to go, and it was off we went. 130th ave in chicago, near altgeld gardens is where we ended up, with 100$ worth of rock and a half gram of dope. we smoked, drank, and snorted our way to the moon. on our drive back to valpo to drop me off, i stopped by the local drug store and purchased a 10 pack of hyperdermics. i remember getting my shot ready in my parents bathroom, and then blackness. there was no bright light. no voices. until there were lots of voices, and faces, and comotion. 6 faces stared down at me as i was strapped to a board, asking me ” how much heroin did you do?” i remember horrible confusion, and violent tremors, and being freezing cold. the EMTs had shot me up with narcan, a drug that reverses an opiate overdose. cops were everywhere. My mother, father, and brother were hysterical.  i remember asking the EMT in the back of the ambulance,”so, wait, Im alive?” “yes, son, and youre god damn lucky to be” is all he said.
i was discharged the next day, and couldnt wait to get more of the dope that nearly killed me, and i didnt. i was back at the spot specifically asking for more of the same batch. this is the insanity that this horrible disease causes in the addicts brain. within a 24 hour period of being released for the jail, i was in full blown relapse. Every single one of my relapses, and there have been many, have all started when i felt that i deserved, or could handle a drink.
For whatever reason, ego comes back in at some point, and i forget just how progressive, incurable, and fatal this disease is. “i worked 40 hours this week”, “lifes pretty good right now”, “i deserve a martini”,etc…. and as soon as these thoughts start occurring in my mind, i am a ticking time bomb. within a very short period of time, im on my way to Gary, East Chicago, or the South Side, in search of what i really want. oblivian. many of us do not make it back after this sort of slip in our lives, or in our program. my best friend is dead. gone. not coming back. And i didnt even have the nerve to make it to his funeral, because i was wanted by the law, and i knew there would be cops at his services. When he died, again, i specifically requested the dope that had killed him. I was a junkbox.

Every relapse I’ve ever had started out with this^

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