Fraud, phony, two face, deceiver, lip-server, fake, liar. Go ahead and insert whatever other synonym you wish here. I have heard them all.

You see, I have never, not once, not ever, said, proclaimed, touted, announced, or declared how perfect I am. I have never once stood out on “the stump” and talked myself up like I was some kind of answer, like I had it all together, or that I was somehow “cured” or some kind of exception to a rule. 

I struggle. I fail. I fall. I own it. You see, from the very beginning, when I started trying to piece some kind of life together for myself, I had 30 years of intense wreckage and trauma to clean up. And I was all alone. I had no one to carry me, I had no one to guide me, I had no one to enable me or make this any easier. I knew that there would be struggles, and set backs of course. And I vowed to be 100% authentic through it all. I believe that I still am.

All I did was write some books, stop shooting heroin, turn my life around, and found a company whose entire purpose is helping people who struggle. I married my best friend, I have raised her/our children and my own son to the best of my human ability. I have done my absolute best to give back to this community in every way possible. We donate to charities, we volunteer, and for the most part we keep to ourselves. I have spent the last almost 8 full years, day in and day out pouring every single shred of everything that I had into my family, career and company, our community, helping others, and doing the absolute best that I can to make a life for myself.

Yes, I began to unravel. Yes, I fell and struggled. Yes, I am humiliated and embarrassed. But I own it. I am human. Does this mean that I am a hypocrite? A fraud? I will leave that up to the court of public opinion on this one. But I believe in my heart the answer is no. 

Love and tolerance is my code, and always will be. I have been somehow placed in the light of notoriety, because I wrote a book. Big deal. I am still a human being, and I will succeed with humility, and I will fail with grace. But I will never cease striving to be the best possible version of myself and I will never cease my authenticity.

Believe it or not, I have always tried to live my life with the utmost integrity, honor, and valor.

The point that I am trying to carve out here, is that all I have ever tried to do while on this planet is find myself, improve myself, love everyone equally, and leave this world better than I found it. Was it, by definition hypocritical of me, to go on helping people in my work, while struggling mentally, and struggling with drink myself? Yes. Does that make ME a hypocrite? NO. It makes me human. In fact, I read somewhere that when someone helps you, and they struggle themselves, that’s not help, that’s love. And I will second that. You see, even though, I was struggling myself, for a time there, I couldn’t turn my back to anyone who was suffering. I simply do not have the heart to do such a thing. I poured every single piece of everything that I am into this new life of mine, and my failure lied in ceasing self care. That’s when I lost myself. And that is what led me to the bottoming out that I endured. I own that. That was my mistake. But it is not one that I will repeat, because I make new mistakes now a days. Life is a non stop process of learning, growth, and development. And, given where I come from, and what I have endured, I am pretty damn proud of the man I am today. 

So as I go from here, on to indeed make new mistakes I am sure; there is much to atone. There is much to clean up. But it is my mess, and I will clean it up, and I will bounce back higher than I ever had before. I know who I am, and I know Who’s I am. And I know that this walk of mine, this appointment of mine, will not be easy and I may struggle again. But when God calls us to our missions, He has already factored in our foolishness. He does not call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

I will always be here to help anyone in any way I can.

I have a family, I have a beautiful and wonderful wife, I have a loving and amazing home, I have an incredible life that I thank God for every day, And I have a few actual friends. I have a company that is dedicated to helping other human beings end their sufferings and turn their lives around, this very company was instrumental in helping me as well. And I have so very much to be grateful for. I will make mistakes in the future, and I am not sure what exactly lies ahead, but I am walking into it with an open heart of acceptance, and with renewed curiosity and vigor. To all of those who have been supportive, encouraging, and loving, I see you too. And I am incredibly grateful for your love and prayers.

Very sincerely yours,

The Hypocrite

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strongman stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood;

who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error andshortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds;

who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement,and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly,

so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

-Teddy Roosevelt, The Man in the Arena