Tag: #healing

According to Psychology Today, Collins English Dictionary and Emotional Intelligence Training, the term arrested development refers to the stoppage of physical development, emotional development or mental development before reaching adulthood. This abnormal condition results with someone being stuck in a certain emotional or mental level of development, and can be the reason why some adults act like children emotionally or mentally. In the field of medicine, this is considered a developmental disorder that may result in a lack of intelligence or decreased mental status. This plateau of development can be the result of trauma or neglect and can be a form of mental disorder consisting of severe mental impairment, usually caused by an abnormal state in  adolescence. When people are subjected to trauma as kids or young adults, this can cause the abnormalcy and onset of arrested development in their psychological development, causing delays among peers and sometimes an infantile fixation. Symptoms may include regression, being stuck at a certain developmental stage, and more.

There is a saying in the rehab profession that clients stop their psychosocial development when they become addicted to alcohol or other drugs. There is definitely some truth to the saying. Think about it. Once addiction captures your brain your focus of attention shifts from learning about yourself, others, and the world to scoring, using, and recovering from the use of substances. You are so engaged in repetitive behaviors related to drugs that you have little motivation or opportunity to take on and try out new behaviors in the way that most adolescents do. Instead of investing your energy into growing the skill set you need to succeed in school, dating, and career development you remain stuck in the simple pattern of obtain, consume, obtain, and consume some more drugs. (Harvey Hyman, LPCC Sacramento, California)

So yeah, that just about sums it up. It just about sums me up. I know that I have fucked up. I know that I have failed over and over again throughout my life. I am not all that convinced that I wont ever fuck up again, but I am certain that I will never give up. I am certain that I will never stop my journey of healing, self discovery, and learning.

I know that it might be easy to judge addicts/alcoholics and those of us with mental health issues. I know how easy it can be to judge damn near anyone who is different from us, especially when it takes the focus off of ourselves. Empathy and understanding are incredibly special values to behold, and they are very difficult to keep in practice in this world today as life happens to all of us and can leave us cold and calloused. Our societies today have a sympathy and empathy deficit, this much I know. Mercy for me and justice for you has been a repetitive theme among many a community for far too long.

The reason why I am writing this entry today is to try and illustrate something that I have been thinking about today.

First of all, I want you to think about your life. I am sure for the most part it was rather normal. You probably and hopefully didn’t suffer too many serious traumas in your life, especially you “normies” out there. I would assume that your childhood was for the most part healthy, no significant trauma, you went to school, did your best, felt nurtured and loved, were provided for, did the best you could in school, learned life lessons from rather well adjusted adults, and went on to college or trade schools and on to adulthood. You had little to no disruption in your environment or in your mental status. As a result of this, you cope well, you handle adversity, you have solid verbal, processing, communication, and relational skills etc.

Now, lets say that you were born with chemicals in your system, which automatically sets you back developmentally. From here, your child hood was a series of trauma and neglect. You had zero healthy and well rounded adults around you to care for you, guide you, nurture you, and help you develop emotionally or mentally. As a result of this neglect and trauma, your brain suffered a series of changes on a very deep level as you learned on your own make shift and unhealthy coping strategies. Things like disassociation, fawning, people pleasing, etc. As a result of things that you endured at zero fault of your own, your body adapted to the negative stimuli it was being fed on a regular basis leaving you in a state of emotional and nervous system dysregulation. Each and every trauma you suffered, made unnoticed changes to your brains chemistry, and arrested development began taking hold. Instead of learning about relationships, being demonstrated trust, learning how to handle and cope with life, communication skills, homework, friendship, patience, understanding, etc. Your mind was reacting to what was going on around it and you were learning how to survive. You lived 100% on edge all the time. Surviving trauma is kind of like surviving a hostage camp I can imagine, or surviving the battle grounds of a major war. It changes you. And lets say, when all of the chaos finally settled down, you were 18 years old and you had zero direction in life and no one to turn to so you started using drugs. As a result of the drug use, more arrested development occurred, further and further blunting the growth of your already shriveled and diminished brain. And you do not end up getting clean until you are around thirty years old.

I was once told by a highly touted therapist here in my part of the world that “The age we start using drugs at, is the age we technically are when we get clean.” I can imagine that this is doubly true if it was extensive and complex trauma that led us to using chemicals to begin with. The person in our examples here, could essentially have the emotional maturity and psychological development that would parallel most 12 year old kids, at 30.

And so what happens when we finally end up getting clean, is now our brains are fully reliant upon adolescent thinking at such an advanced age. This is not going to work out well for us, as we still see the world through the very lens that led us to using to begin with. I suppose it would be as though all of our peers took a trip in a time machine, leaving us behind and we emerge years later to meet them as our 18 year old traumatized selves. We would have a lot of catching up to do, not only professionally and socially, but mentally and emotionally. We would be experiencing our “Mental Growth Spurts” at a time in our lives when most our age are planning for retirement. So then we are double tasked with not only trying to play catch up, but stay sober, develop, learn, and grow; all the while trying to navigate life with a very poorly developed mind. This is the battle for those of us with PTSD, and substance use disorders. It is not an excuse, but I believe does provide some valid reasons as to why we shouldn’t be judging someone who struggles with addiction.

I mean think about it, healthy and well rounded, well adjusted, and well nurtured humans do not typically go on to use needles, or drink themselves to death. Something happened in their lives that was so horrible, that turning to such a dangerous life style actually seemed like a way out. experiencing life this way is purely tragic. I know from experience. So think about this the next time you interact with someone who is new to recovery, starting over, or who battles mental health issues. This person was once a small child, and someone left them to fend for themselves, neglected them so badly, or hurt them so deeply, that it actually altered the trajectory of their entire life. The addicts that I know, those of us who suffer from mental health issues are typically the most kind hearted, loving and peace loving people I have ever know, but they have just never been given the time or the patience to be shown what love, trust, friendship, loyalty, follow through, kindness, truth, honor, or faithfulness are all about. Many of us had our innocence taken away from us at a very early age, and literally had no self worth, identity, self respect, or self esteem when life showed up for us. So we did what we had learned to do the whole time, we numbed, we escaped, we disassociated.

If you know and/or love someone who struggles with mental health and addiction issues, do me and them a favor and give them a call. Let them know that you love them and that you know how hard this thing called life can be sometimes, and that you are always there as a healthy outlet for them. Let them know that they matter and that you see them, let them know that you understand how hard they are fighting and that you believe in them. I promise you it will mean more to them than I can say. It may even save someone’s life.

One of the most powerful things we can ever experience, is life through the eyes of another.

Life can be and often times is an ongoing battle, especially for those of us with mental health issues. Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, BPD, Addiction, etc. make going through our days all the more difficult and turbulent at times. When I first got clean and was living at the halfway house I got a tattoo on my chest. A full “Chest Plate” image of an Eagle that is holding the quiver of arrows in one claw, and the olive branches in the other. The image is strikingly similar to the Eagle on the back of a one dollar bill. It is almost identical. The difference between the two however, is that on the Dollar, the Eagle’s head faces the Olive Branches. The Eagle on my chest, his head faces the arrows. An Eagle who’s head faces the olive branches is known as a “Peace Time Eagle” which symbolizes a time of great harmony, joy, and peace. Mine is known as a “War Time Eagle”, which symbolizes exactly what you may be thinking, a time for war. War with and within myself, war with the world, and war with my past and future. I knew it was going to be a very long and painful pilgrimage ahead. I didn’t know what might happen or where it would take me, but I was here for it and I was ready to start fighting.

Before soldiers head for battle, they prepare and strategize. The ways of preparations have evolved throughout history, but typically those who emerge victorious are the ones who had best planned and showed up most equipped. This is not always the case, but usually the more advanced a side is, the better the outcome is for them. Typically, from the little I know about actual war, the generals and leaders devise their plans of attack and defense, and then pass those plans down to the soldiers to execute. The soldiers, I imagine prepare in much different ways; prayer, hyping themselves up, making sure their weapons are functioning properly, and of course suiting up into their outfits of protection.

These pieces of protection that are described in the bible, “The Armor of God” are as follows: loins girt with truth (belt of truth), breastplate of righteousness, shoes with the preparation of the gospel of peace (peace), shield of faith, helmet of salvation, and the sword of the spirit/word of God. Now, you may not be a person of Christian Faith or have never read the Bible and that’s okay. I really like the description here, and it is one that is very widely known. So humor me even if it doesn’t particularly speak to your faith.

So what do we have in all of this War Ready Ensemble? A belt, probably not a leather belt from Walmart with holes in it to help hold our pants up. More than likely a heavy steel belt, very wide in breadth to protect our midsection and lower torso. Just above this belt begins the Breast plate, a large and heavy fortified shell of sorts which protects us from swords and arrows that could be hurled at us. Shoes, more than likely heavy boots outfitted with steel to protect our base. A very sturdy shield, emblazoned with the insignia of whom we are fighting for. A very sturdy metal helmet for obvious reasons. And a massive sword, or in modern day instances, a very high powered high capacity rifle. Hopefully you can get the imagery. I can see it now, and when I think of armor I think of the British Soldiers in the movie Braveheart, with the chain mail, and the heavy metal swords.

But, as I am thinking about it now, as the armor is described in the Bible; what is significant about each and every piece? What do they all have in common? What is missing? Notice that “The Armor of God” does not include or describe any pieces of protection for our backs, the backs of our legs, the backs of our necks, or funnily enough, our asses, or rear ends. What do all of the pieces have in common? They are all front facing pieces. They all fit and protect the front facing portions of the Soldiers. I wonder why that is? Well, I believe it is because we cannot win a battle that we are running from. If we are getting hit in the back, then we are not facing the “enemies”. In order for the armor the serve its purpose, we must go in face first. We must march directly into our adversaries, with courage and bravery, and trust that the armor is going to do its job.

Now I know that this is a bit metaphorical here, especially as it pertains to mental health. I can see the connection though. I have felt the effects of both running from my issues, and confronting them head on. They are stark in contrast to one another, and have dramatically different results.

For years I thought that me getting better was just about not drinking or using, and for a time it was. This was also an excuse of sorts, for me not to boldly and fearlessly confront the actual reasons that brought me to using to begin with. “Hey, I’m clean/sober so I must be doing something right”. And I was. But that was just the very beginning for me, and many of us out there. It was also a defense piece for me. It was a piece of my “armor” so to speak. It was my shield of arrogance. I held it with me everywhere I went. Any time I felt something threatening an old vulnerability of mine, I would hoist that shield and display my own insignia: “clean and sober”. Or I would hide behind humor, and deflect it away. But, as with all armor, no matter how modern it is, there are always weak points.

It took me really spiraling out, once I finally had something and someone to lose, to finally be ready to take a step back and objectively look at myself and say “I am missing something here.” And that, I believe is one of the most fascinating things about trauma, it hides within us. It literally hides. We don’t always think about it, in fact I hardly ever did. It is so subtle too, often times we don’t even realize that we are having a trauma response, or acting out on our mental health issues until after the fact. You see, I honestly thought that I was a changed man when I began spiraling out. And I was. But I still had so much to explore and confront in order to achieve the level of significant healing that I was really striving for. And unfortunately, with unhealed parts of us, we don’t even realize that they are there until they “flare up”, or “rear their ugly heads”, with often dramatic consequences and leave us again auditing what the hell just happened. This is what they mean when they say, “We don’t know what we don’t know.” I believe this very much.

We simply do not and can not know or understand how much an event, a season, a loss, an addiction, etc has truly effected us if we do not examine it. I believe that really truly processing things beginning at an early age is critical, before harmful events and seasons become traumas. If this is not possible, as is the case with far too many in this world due to lack of access to adequate mental health services, then as soon as we are able, we must initiate the process of processing. Even if we believe that we are well adjusted, well rounded, mature and mentally healthy adults we should attend some kinds of therapy. I always say that everyone on this planet would benefit from going to rehab at least once, even if they have never done a drug in their life.

You see, this is important because we may not know how something has and is actually effecting us now. Remember, we are used to our own “normals”, and what we interpret as normal may be anything but. And it is in those subtle unexposed isms inside of us that we could be living, acting, thinking, and believing in maladaptive and corrupt ways. I suppose, in keeping up with the Armor/battle metaphor this would be the binoculars of new perspective. Or the spyglass of fresh vantage points. We cannot simply rely on our own first person perspective and our own thinking to solve our own problems and survive our own troubles. It is critical that at some point in our lives, we all find a therapist, pastor, mentor, counselor, or just someone who we truly trust, and tell them the whole story. It is imperative that we learn from ourselves and from our own life stories and actions. This is how we can find self awareness, and grow past the hidden things that are holding us back and causing us to act against our character.

You see, I didn’t even know that the vulnerabilities, the wounds, the traumas existed inside of me the way that they did; until I again and again acted out on them, messed my life up and was essentially forced to take a good long honest look at my life in total. And I didn’t know about them, because I am me and they live inside of me. I had always been using my own thinking, beliefs, and perspective to interpret the very life that gave me those things. That doesn’t work. We must be willing and able to confront those messy parts of ourselves and learn how they went into creating who we are today.

We don’t have to, and shouldn’t be made to feel weak or ashamed for embarking on such a journey of self discovery and healing. For getting vulnerable and open about my most sensitive parts of my life story was the most courageous I have ever felt in my entire life. It provided me with new armor, quite possibly the most valuable piece of them all, wisdom, knowledge, understanding, insight, and self awareness. It helped me identify the places that I had been “weak” in the past, or “more vulnerable to attack” if you will. A fool knows how strong he is, and a genius knows how weak he is, and where he is weak. We gotta do it. We gotta armor up, and walk into the battle with ourselves and with our own stories. That is how we learn the most valuable knowledge we will ever hold, and that is the knowledge of ourselves.

We cannot change what we refuse to confront. What we resist, persists. All of the armor listed above makes no mention of protecting us from behind so if we refuse to walk boldly into it, and we choose to run away, we die.

The armor we slip on as we prepare for battle is all designed so that we can face the enemy, not run away. Please be bold enough and brave enough to face those dark and scary parts of yourself and your story. Your life may depend on it.

As the old saying goes, “If you want peace, prepare for war.”

Fraud, phony, two face, deceiver, lip-server, fake, liar. Go ahead and insert whatever other synonym you wish here. I have heard them all.

You see, I have never, not once, not ever, said, proclaimed, touted, announced, or declared how perfect I am. I have never once stood out on “the stump” and talked myself up like I was some kind of answer, like I had it all together, or that I was somehow “cured” or some kind of exception to a rule. 

I struggle. I fail. I fall. I own it. You see, from the very beginning, when I started trying to piece some kind of life together for myself, I had 30 years of intense wreckage and trauma to clean up. And I was all alone. I had no one to carry me, I had no one to guide me, I had no one to enable me or make this any easier. I knew that there would be struggles, and set backs of course. And I vowed to be 100% authentic through it all. I believe that I still am.

All I did was write some books, stop shooting heroin, turn my life around, and found a company whose entire purpose is helping people who struggle. I married my best friend, I have raised her/our children and my own son to the best of my human ability. I have done my absolute best to give back to this community in every way possible. We donate to charities, we volunteer, and for the most part we keep to ourselves. I have spent the last almost 8 full years, day in and day out pouring every single shred of everything that I had into my family, career and company, our community, helping others, and doing the absolute best that I can to make a life for myself.

Yes, I began to unravel. Yes, I fell and struggled. Yes, I am humiliated and embarrassed. But I own it. I am human. Does this mean that I am a hypocrite? A fraud? I will leave that up to the court of public opinion on this one. But I believe in my heart the answer is no. 

Love and tolerance is my code, and always will be. I have been somehow placed in the light of notoriety, because I wrote a book. Big deal. I am still a human being, and I will succeed with humility, and I will fail with grace. But I will never cease striving to be the best possible version of myself and I will never cease my authenticity.

Believe it or not, I have always tried to live my life with the utmost integrity, honor, and valor.

The point that I am trying to carve out here, is that all I have ever tried to do while on this planet is find myself, improve myself, love everyone equally, and leave this world better than I found it. Was it, by definition hypocritical of me, to go on helping people in my work, while struggling mentally, and struggling with drink myself? Yes. Does that make ME a hypocrite? NO. It makes me human. In fact, I read somewhere that when someone helps you, and they struggle themselves, that’s not help, that’s love. And I will second that. You see, even though, I was struggling myself, for a time there, I couldn’t turn my back to anyone who was suffering. I simply do not have the heart to do such a thing. I poured every single piece of everything that I am into this new life of mine, and my failure lied in ceasing self care. That’s when I lost myself. And that is what led me to the bottoming out that I endured. I own that. That was my mistake. But it is not one that I will repeat, because I make new mistakes now a days. Life is a non stop process of learning, growth, and development. And, given where I come from, and what I have endured, I am pretty damn proud of the man I am today. 

So as I go from here, on to indeed make new mistakes I am sure; there is much to atone. There is much to clean up. But it is my mess, and I will clean it up, and I will bounce back higher than I ever had before. I know who I am, and I know Who’s I am. And I know that this walk of mine, this appointment of mine, will not be easy and I may struggle again. But when God calls us to our missions, He has already factored in our foolishness. He does not call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

I will always be here to help anyone in any way I can.

I have a family, I have a beautiful and wonderful wife, I have a loving and amazing home, I have an incredible life that I thank God for every day, And I have a few actual friends. I have a company that is dedicated to helping other human beings end their sufferings and turn their lives around, this very company was instrumental in helping me as well. And I have so very much to be grateful for. I will make mistakes in the future, and I am not sure what exactly lies ahead, but I am walking into it with an open heart of acceptance, and with renewed curiosity and vigor. To all of those who have been supportive, encouraging, and loving, I see you too. And I am incredibly grateful for your love and prayers.

Very sincerely yours,

The Hypocrite

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strongman stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood;

who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error andshortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds;

who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement,and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly,

so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

-Teddy Roosevelt, The Man in the Arena 

Born into chaos, 

Trauma from the start. 

Abused and abandoned, 

Fear weighed down his tiny heart. 

Always felt alone, 

Searching for connection. 

Wanting only to fit in, 

But never having a best friend. 

Unseen and unheard, 

He felt like a ghost. 

No one to step up, 

When he needed them the most. 

From a lost little boy, 

To a trauma laden teen. 

He began to find relief, 

In a bottle, in some weed. 

As he grew up, 

He searched for a purpose. 

Anything with a meaning, 

Something to make him feel worth it. 

At home he found no hope, 

Drug addicted parents set the precedent. 

Mom would run, dad would chase 

He became a burden and irrelevant. 

2 / 4

A massive void in his world, 

Caused by the lack of safety and love. 

But then he found relief, 

In the harder type of drugs. 

A headfirst dive into oblivion, 

Became a cherished reprieve. 

But this gift he thought amazing, 

Turned and beat him to his knees. 

Fast forward to adulthood, 

Never experiencing real love 

No hope or ambition, 

No real faith in God above. 

Programmed by his past, 

But he wanted to be better. 

Still comfortable in that chaos 

Emotions bursting from the pressure. 

Stress and fear held him down, 

“Playing the cards life handed me.” 

Lashing out and causing pain, 

To myself and my family. 

Wanting to be sober, 

To find a better path, 

But unable to shake free, 

Of the bondage of his past. 

3 / 4

Began to find some hope, 

Put together some good things. 

Took the steps needed to grow, 

Things slowly began to change. 

Made some good decisions, 

Life began to improve. 

Found some joy in this life, 

But still had more pain to pursue. 

Fell off one more time, 

This one a different type of bottom. 

Kept the outside things together, 

But inside his spirit rotted. 

Fast forward to today, 

I found another chance. 

And I’m so grateful for the gift, 

And have taken a new stance. 

I have unconditional love, 

From my wife and my kids. 

You’ll give me reason to fight, 

You’ll give me a reason to live. 

So grateful for you my sweet girl, 

For not giving up on me. 

I will give this chance my all, 

To become the man you need. 

4 / 4

I have learned a lot about myself, 

And I am healing from my trauma. 

I will learn to live without the chaos, 

Give up the fight and constant drama. 

I love my life today, 

And I am happy for this chance. 

I will work hard to back these words with action, 

To become my best version of a man. 

The future looks so bright, 

And my past no longer pulls me down 

I thank God for this gift 

For this blessing that I’ve found 

I am a work in progress, 

It won’t happen overnight. 

But I will strive daily for atonement, 

For our family I will fight. 

Staying sober and committed, 

To this new path of mine. 

If I do this every day, 

I know that I’ll be fine. 

Once I made the choice to compromise, to roll the dice and pick up a cigarette and it did what I didn’t know it could do, I was instantly obsessed with what else there was out there that could do it too. I quickly moved on to alcohol, weed, every other chemical I could get my hands on, and as detailed out in the first book, ultimately Crack and Heroin. My experiences with trauma were still very much ongoing, and in a sense just getting started. The traumas that lie in wait for me in the world of addiction though, were to be very much self induced. I came from chaos, so as my life in the addiction world unfolded, I would continue to gravitate to more and more chaos. This is what one of my therapists referred to as “Trauma Repetition”. The whole “Comfort in Chaos” idea. And down, down, down the spiral we would go…

As I believe I had mentioned before, somewhere I’m sure; I always seemed to have this inherent affinity for the “Underdogs” of the world. I think it is because from a very early age, and as a result of everything I had been through, I knew suffering. I knew what it felt like to be invisible, unheard, insignificant, brushed aside, neglected, abandoned, and essentially thrown away. So I always felt this kind of like Survivor’s Bond with similar types in movies, T.V, sports, and in real life.

I remember the first time I watched Forrest Gump. I was absolutely blown away. This man had had the most incredible and interesting life, even though he had been born with so many disadvantages and had so many obstacles thrown at him. He was born with a learning disability, a back as “crooked as a politician”, without a father, He was named after the Founder of the K.K.K, He was bullied, beat up, Invisible to most, ignored, he was taken for granted and taken advantage of, he was shot in the ass, the woman he loved always left him, no one liked him. He was very much an outcast of society. But the thing that really made him special to me, was his innocence, his integrity, his humility, his giving nature, his loyalty to friends, his moral compass. Someone must have planted the right seeds in his heart, because they went on to become very fruitful later in life. And the thing that really stood out to me about him, was that he never really did anything over-the-top spectacular. He just always did the right thing. And that was all he ever really needed to do.

It’s funny how this world works. They say when the student is ready, the teacher appears. And when I was so desperate and lost as an adolescent, with no real mentorship or examples on how to live and do life. I was able to find messages, I was able to learn, I was able to feel meaningful life lessons in the most unusual of places. It’s kind of like I knew deep down inside that If I was going to somehow make it out of all of this, than I better take on a heart that was hungry for wisdom, and be able to recognize it when I heard it.

Forrest Gump, and stories like His (I know he is a fictional character) provided me with great inspiration. I knew that I too, was at a disadvantage in life. The cards were truly stacked against me. School and college weren’t much of an option to me. I just knew that deep down inside, if given the opportunity, I could go on and be somebody some day. All I had to do was do my best to be a good person. I knew I was gonna fail at that even, at times. But, if I just truly followed my moral compass, and held on long enough, one day I would get my chance. And that, and lots and lots of prayer and faith- seeds that were planted in me, in second grade in Tennessee gave me unwavering Hope. Even in the most hopeless of times.

It’s crazy, the dichotomy or duality of the mind. I would go on to become a homeless, strung out street person for many years. But through it all, I always held on to hope. I just knew if I never gave up, one day I would be able to finally turn it all around. And I was right. It just didn’t happen quite like I thought it would, and had.

When God calls us to our purpose, remember that He has already factored in our foolishness.